I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
