I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
