you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
