god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
