You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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