I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
