This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
