ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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