when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
