I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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