Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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