Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
