I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
