Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
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I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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