Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
