I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
