I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
