Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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