i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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