No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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