my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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