I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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