She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.