hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick