pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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