I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
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