watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
