I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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