i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
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I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
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No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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