a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
