I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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