Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
