his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
