Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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