Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
This house was built for laser tag.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
