Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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