The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
