does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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