she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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