In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
