I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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