My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
