Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
