Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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