so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
