I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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