hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
