While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
