Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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