I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
