I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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