Pappa wants mamma naked
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
