no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
