bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
