Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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