nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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