I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
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